Fully present, in the moment
June 14, 2023 was a day that changed the lives of the Barker family forever.
Anne Barker, who has been married for more than 25 years to the love of her life, Chris Barker, has an incredibly busy life. With six children, theirs is a household filled with happy chaos and constant motion.
So when Chris, at the age of 51, was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer, the family’s world fell to pieces, and Anne found herself as a full-time caregiver needing to navigate the challenges of caring for Chris and her children, all while continuing to show up for work each day.
In the midst of all of this, Anne felt as if her own self-care was non-existent so someone invited her to take an Essentials of Mindful Caregiving course.
“I was hoping to get some tools to put in my toolbox to be able to use in a moment of crisis,” Anne said. “During a time that was very scary for all of us–I was learning what our future may look like or not look like–this course allowed me to set aside time to focus on just me which was so important. I learned how to care for myself more completely while I continued to care for Chris.”
Because of the generosity of Zen Caregiving Project donors, Anne was given a scholarship to take the course.
“When I think back to the time that I took the course, I have such a feeling of peace. I was losing so much of myself during Chris’ diagnosis that I really looked forward to each week when I was able to commune with other caregivers who were experiencing their own caregiving.”
One of the most important aspects of the course for Anne was that it became a safe place to share her feelings without worry. “Each of us in the course was able to express what we were thinking and feeling as caregivers. It was about us when so much of our worlds were focused on others. It made me feel so much less alone.”
It’s been more than a year since Anne took her eight-hour course, and she now uses some of the tools she learned in the course on a daily basis as her family navigates their new normal of monthly visits to the oncologist, quarterly scans, daily medications, and all of the things that come with a cancer diagnosis.
“I practice mindfulness daily, and I wake up 30 minutes early in order to ground myself. I don’t think I would have done that prior to taking the course, and I find such value in that,” Anne said.
“I take those first minutes each day to remind myself that I am present in this moment, my feet are on the ground, my heart is beating, and I am here. I don’t always know what’s on the other side of those moments so knowing that I can breathe, I can be present, I can put my feet on the ground, is everything.”
As she reflected on the past 15 months, Anne explained that she has always been strong and her strength during this cancer journey doesn’t surprise her. She paused for a moment as her voice caught in her throat.
“Sometimes, I think about those nights that I laid in Chris’ arms and cried. I am still surprised and shocked at how weak I am. Being mindful of my caregiving is what I needed. I give myself permission to be okay with my weakness. It makes me catch my breath and catches me off guard, but that’s okay.”
As a realist, Anne knows what the outlook is for someone with stage 4 cancer. And she has never been afraid of stating the truth.
“I kind of know our ending and that knocks the wind out of my lungs.
“For now, I am fully present, to be mindful, to be here.”
Anne and Chris are both here. And that really is everything.