self-care
A Line of Disappearances: Grief and Helplessness During Shelter in Place
By Alistair Shanks
We are living in a time of disappearances. For the most part, we have been stripped of our distractions, our busyness, our schedules, and plans as we shelter in place. We are being forced to reorder our activities, our needs, our lives.
We are in a state of continual waiting, a perpetual state of uncertainty. Like a dream, we are at the mercy of an alien, inimical force, invisible and unpredictable. The world has come to a standstill. Construction sites are silent, cranes still, businesses dark, the streets empty.
We are grieving the loss of normalcy, a sense of safety and order; everything has been upended. Nothing is normal. Leaving home feels risky, a trip to the grocery store dangerous. People have lost jobs, businesses, livelihoods. People are dying alone in isolated units surrounded not by family and loved ones but by medical teams clad in protective gear.
While also grieving the loss of a sense of connection to others — friends, families, our broader social networks, work colleagues — new opportunities arise to connect in different ways, to offer small kindnesses. There are the friendly smiles and knowing nods as I pass masked people on the street, the greetings of strangers who would normally go by unnoticed. A woman offers a bottle of hand sanitizer to a homeless man outside a Safeway. Many people recognize that we are in this together, that we are all struggling to adjust to this new normal.
Our separation has only made more obvious our dependence on one another, our interconnection. We breathe the same air, share the same sidewalks and streets, depend on invisible supply chains to provide our food, our medications, our consumer goods. We are interdependent in every way, a fact that is easily lost in the daily tumult of overbooked lives.
In the midst of this pandemic, the cycles of life go on unperturbed. It is still spring and trees and flowers continue to bloom, only to disappear in their own time. The days become longer. In the absence of human activity, nature offers signs of reasserting itself: wild boar on the streets of Barcelona, mountain goats taking over a town in Wales, whales in Mediterranean shipping lanes, baby turtles in Brazil surviving in higher numbers due to deserted beaches.
And there is the fear, the vulnerability. We are all vulnerable, for once unable to distance ourselves from the world’s tragedies. It is no longer just an image of suffering on our TV screen. It is here and we are not in control, our lives moving in an arc out to the horizon, a line of disappearances. This is not necessarily a bad thing.
I often point out to our volunteers that a lot of what we do as we sit with those suffering near the end of life is to also sit with our own sense of helplessness. We are simply witnesses to the pain and struggles of our fellow human beings. Our volunteers learn to be with discomfort, with uncertainty, helplessness, the unknown. In many cases, it is all we can do and it is no small thing. I have seen the impact of a single steady, mindful presence transform a room.
What can we do with our helplessness? In this time of upheaval, we have been shorn of our assumptions, our certainties. In our helplessness the only sane, rational response, as ever, is love. Maybe our task is, as the poet David Whyte writes, “To love and to witness love in the face of possible loss, and to find the mystery of love’s promise in the shadow of that loss.”
We all need self-care in times like this. Zen Caregiving Project volunteers are trained to practice self-compassion, to acknowledge doubts and difficulties, and hold them with tenderness and care. As Jack Kornfield has said, “In this moment we can sit quietly, take a deep breath, and acknowledge our fear and apprehension, our uncertainty and helplessness…and hold all these feelings with a compassionate heart.”
We can embrace our interdependence. We can turn to the person next to us and ask, “What is your experience? What is it like for you? How are you doing?”
And listen.
Listen deeply.
Webinar on Mindful Self-Care for Professional Caregivers
This is a recording of our Mindful Self-Care for Professional Caregivers presented on April 8, 2020 by Roy Remer.
In this free, online session for professional caregivers, Roy shares mindfulness-based tools to reduce stress and increase resilience and discusses ways to easily integrate these approaches into daily life.
The live online session was offered to support professional caregivers while they support so many others.
Enjoy!
Online Resources During Shelter in Place
We’ve curated a list of resources to help you keep busy and maintain your peace of mind while the shelter in place order stands. Below are helpful links related to music, mindfulness, education, exercise, art, and nature. If you have resources to add, feel free to add them under our social media post for these resources.
Music
Livestream from the Metropolitan Opera – Free livestream of Met Operas
https://www.metopera.org/season/radio/free-live-audio-streams/
Livestream classical music concerts – List of concerts https://www.wkar.org/post/list-live-streaming-concerts#stream/0
Mindfulness
Headspace App – Mindfulness Meditation app
https://www.headspace.com/covid-19
Self-retreat – Resources from Spirit rock teachers
https://jackkornfield.com/creating-a-home-retreat-finding-freedom-wherever-you-are-free-half-day-retreat-included/
San Francisco Zen Center – Access San Francisco Zen Center Online Learning wherever you are, anytime.
https://www.sfzc.org/online-programs
Tricycle: The Buddhist Review – A series of live-stream meditations to help ease anxiety amid our social-distancing efforts.
https://tricycle.org/trikedaily/online-meditation/
Marin Sangha – Marin Sangha is a mindfulness meditation group in Marin County that puts special emphasis on living the dharma in daily life. All Sunday meetings start at 6:00pm PST.
http://marinsangha.org/
Insight Timer – Many free meditations, can connect to others meditating at same time for sense of community online
https://insighttimer.com/
Education
Online courses – Free online courses from Ivy League schools: business, social science, programming, Art & Design, Math
https://www.classcentral.com/collection/ivy-league-moocs
Exercise
Peloton – Yoga, strength training, at-home workouts free for 90 days
https://www.onepeloton.com/digital/checkout/digital-90d
Yoga with Adrienne – Yoga for all levels + meditation, always free
https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene
Eckhart Yoga – A range of different yoga classes (some paid for but lots free)
https://www.ekhartyoga.com/home
Art
Art museum virtual tours – Best on a laptop or computer, 12 tours of some of the world’s most famous art museums
https://www.travelandleisure.com/attractions/museums-galleries/museums-with-virtual-tours
More museum tours! – Virtually tour world-class museums from home
https://artsandculture.google.com/partner?ck_subscriber_id=748761443
Eastern European Movies with English Subtitles – Free streaming foreign films
https://easterneuropeanmovies.com/
Nederlands Dance Theater – Free streaming contemporary ballet
https://www.ndt.nl/en/actiepaginas/ndtv.html
Nature
Georgia Aquarium – Webcams at the Georgia Aquarium
https://www.georgiaaquarium.org/webcam/ocean-voyager/
Gardens Around the World – Virtually tour famous gardens around the world from home
https://artsandculture.google.com/search/streetview?q=garden&ck_subscriber_id=748761443
Kids
Mo Willems “Lunch Doodles” – Children’s author teaches drawing on YouTube
https://www.boredpanda.com/free-online-lunch-doodles-sessions-for-kids-mo-willems/
Caregiver Resources
Caring Across Generations – Sessions sharing mindfulness-based tools and approaches to help you manage stress and anxiety and build your emotional resilience and self-care.
https://www.facebook.com/caringacrossgenerations/
UCSF School of Medicine – Coping with Dementia Care During the Coronavirus Pandemic webinar series
https://meded.ucsf.edu/events/coping-dementia-care-during-coronavirus-pandemic-family-caregiver-webinar-series
Zen Caregiving Project – Four sessions sharing mindfulness-based techniques that you can integrate into daily life, to help reduce distress and increase self-care.
https://zencaregiving.org/events/?category=community-events#localmenu
Family Caregiver Alliance – Family caregiver webinars are for family members, partners, and friends caring for a loved one living with a chronic or disabling health condition.
https://www.caregiver.org/pilotIntegration/indexPersistent.html?uri=%2Ffca-webinars
Let’s ReImagine – Each Daily Dose of Togetherness includes a reflection from a guest speaker and a chance to connect in small groups with your digital neighbors from around the world.
https://letsreimagine.org/virtual-events/schedule
Open Death Conversation: Daylong Course
Learning More About Mindfulness and Meditation
We are pleased to support your caregiving with a variety of guided meditations led by our Mindful Caregiving Education instructors. You will find three-minute, five-minute, and ten-minute long meditations on our Resource page.
Mindfulness and meditation don’t have to be complicated. Our advice: start small, with a few moments daily where you mindfully follow your breath and grow from there. Below are some resources to support you on your journey.
Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World
Created by meditation teacher Dr. Danny Penman, and Clinical Psychology Professor Mark Williams, this website gives a simple overview of mindfulness and provides resources and apps for those who want to explore further.
A website that explores the latest scientific research into mindfulness and meditation, and how they can be used in our daily lives. The site also shares interviews with leading researchers in the field of mindfulness, meditation, and compassion.
Written by Jon Kabat-Zinn, this book offers a step-by-step introduction to the practice of mindfulness and how to cultivate mindfulness in the face of stress, pain, and illness. You can find videos of Kabat-Zinn’s meditation teachings on his website.
With Nonviolent Communication (NVC) we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC helps us discover the depth of our own compassion. This language reveals the awareness that all human beings are only trying to honor universal values and needs, every minute, every day.
NVC can be seen as both a spiritual practice that helps us see our common humanity, using our power in a way that honors everyone’s needs and a concrete set of skills that help us create life-serving families and communities. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.https://www.cnvc.org/
This free app has guided meditations, a timer, and the option to show who else across the globe is meditating at the same time as you are.
This meditation app offers a free 10-day beginner’s course that guides you through the essentials of meditation and mindfulness.
The SF Zen Center has in-person beginner’s introductions to meditation while also sharing videos of talks and teachings online.
Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico offers daily Zen meditation, weekly dharma talks, and programs on Buddhist teachings, art, neuroscience, and social engagement. The center also provides professional training for end-of-life-care and Buddhist chaplaincy.
Open Death Conversation: In-person Workshop
Foundations of Mindful Caregiving In-person Course
Upcoming Classes and Events
3-minute Guided Meditations
We are pleased to support your caregiving with a variety of guided meditations led by our Mindful Caregiving Education instructors. Below you will find several three-minute long meditations. We hope you will remember these whenever you need a break from your busy day or busy mind. If you enjoy these meditations, please drop us a line so we can produce more.
5-minute Guided Meditations
We are pleased to support your caregiving with a variety of guided meditations led by our Mindful Caregiving Education instructors. Below you will find several five-minute long meditations. We hope you will remember these whenever you need a break from your busy day or busy mind. If you enjoy these meditations, please drop us a line so we can produce more.
